Rebreather Celebrity Deathmatch was a very popular post.   It's a takeoff on MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, but it still stands on it's own.

Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 15:32:37 -0500
From: Paul Elliott paul@nwdesigns.com
Subject: Rebreather Celebrity Deathmatch

Hey, The weirdest thing happened last night. I was flipping through the channels on TV, and I heard this loud voice saying:
"We have control of the vertical emergency ascent"
"We have control of the horizontal cave egress"

Then, my TV switched to RTV, and I saw a logo for "Rebreather Celebrity Deathmatch"

This was too much. I was engrossed with the show as the announcer shouted out:

Welcome to Rebreather Celebrity Deathmatch, where the people and personalities from the highly volatile rebreather group of users slug it out until only one person is left in the ring. The other, well, is pushing up daises in front of Macy's window.

Here's the format, we have constructed a huge steel cage, lined with 6 inch thick plexiglass. It is filled with freshwater directly from Florida springs. Two platforms, two rebreather pundits, two rebreathers. Two men in, one man out.

In our exclusive RTV bout, we have lined up a prize fight between Richard "Icky" Pyle, and George "!@#$" Irvine. These two have been itching to kill each other for years now!

And here comes Rich to the ring now! Weighing in at neutral buoyancy, sporting the latest in sub-orbital rebreather technology, and having a dive per DCS incident dive ratio lower than the number of fish species he can collect in one outing.

Rich is flashing a smile to everybody in the arena! This guy is confident! He has climbed the ladder to the top, and is ready to fight!

There's George coming into the arena! What a raging bull this guy is! Weighing in at neutral Hogarthian buoyancy, he is wearing a small refrigerator on his back! No, wait, that refrigerator is actually a rebreather! Can you believe it? His dive per DCS incident ratio is just smaller than his mental age.

Wait a minute. I can't believe my eyes! George has just leaped to the top of the cage in a single bound! Does he think he is Superman? I guess so! Let's go down to the ring, where our distinguished ref, Walter Stark presides over this match.

"Alright, you know the rules. At the bell, you will both jump in and descend to the bottom. Rich, I won't have any of this fake bottom time shenanigans in my ring. Once you have started your bottom timers, I want you two to have a clean fight, and only one of you comes out of that pool. Do you both understand me? Alright, LET'S GET IT ON!!"

And there's the bell. They have both jumped in and are racing to the bottom. George is first down and he is racing over to Rich! This is gonna be great folks. Rich has just reached the bottom, and he barely has time to start his timer. George comes in with a left hook, and Rich parries with a fish net! Amazing! George isn't giving up as he starts swinging the pump from his rebreather around with his right hand. He's building up momentum and releases a powerful blow to Rich's dive computer! Rich is shrugging it off, as he has redundant electronic systems to rely on, and he's still in the fight. Rich is pulling something out from a bag attached to his rebreather. What is it? Oh My! It's a counterlung-eating-fish! Those are illegal! Rich is throwing the fish at George! The CLF is around behind George, chewing its way through dozens of bolts in George's rebreather! George can't get the fish off! Rich is finning around the cage waving at the crowd! Stark is ignoring this violation! Could this be the end of DIR?

Hold on, there's a commotion over at one of the exits to the arena. Camera 5, what is going on? Whoa! I don't believe it! Jess Armantrout, one of George's most ardent supporters has just ran into the arena, pulling a huge box! George is still fighting the fish, and Rich hasn't seen Jess yet! Jess is climbing up the side of the tank, and he's opening the box! There's something moving in there! Wait a minute! It's Bill Mee! He's getting out of the box and jumping into the water! He's diving down and is right above Rich! I don't believe it! Bill is actually chewing through Rich's cannister! Rich is helpless! Bill is grabbing at Rich's computer, trying to detach it. I think this might be the end for Rich! Jess has unsubscribed the CLF from life, and is pumping out George's rebreather! Hold on, this can't be happening! Now from the other side of the arena I can see Kevin "Dude" Juergenson and Will "Geek" Smithers running in! They are up and over the edge and are pulling out electronics pods! They are going to replace Rich's computer in the middle of the fight! It's a circus in here folks. Kevin is stabbing Bill with a magnetic wand, and Will is reprogramming the electronics pods to act like constant PO2 computers, *underwater*! This is really a Kodak moment, folks.

George is back in action, attacking Will. Jess is shouting and trying to stir up the water. Rich is fighting off Bill, who is still going despite being bludgeoned by Kevin repeatedly. Oh no! I think Will's tar filled lungs have just collapsed! He's starting to float to the top! Our first fatality tonight! Things are getting going now!

Kevin is using his swiss army knife to disassemble Bill's rebreather! It's a Home Depot salesmen's worst nightmare! Little plumbing parts are flying everywhere! Bill is choking on a mouthful of caustic cocktail, and just might be out of the fight. George is now attacking Rich directly, and he pulls out his Gavin scooter to accelerate to ramming speed! Jess is still shouting, and Kevin is pushing Bill up and out of the ring! WAIT! Bill just wrapped his long hose around Kevin, and they are both falling to the ground! Kevin just hit the ground, followed by Bill. The remains of Bill's rebreather just fell on top of both of them! Looks like we won't need to dig a hole for these two!

Jess just realized he hasn't taken a breath in five minutes, and switches to his bailout. He's taking himself out of the fight! Wait, this can't be! Walter Stark, who has up until now been completely silent, has just walked over to the edge where Jess is getting out of the cage! Walter is pulling out something. . . It's an Electrolung! Jess look terrified! Walter is smiling and swinging the Electrolung like Paul Bunyon swinging an ax! Jess's head just exploded! I had no idea there was so much pressure in there!

George is taking a cue from Bill, and wrapping his long hose around Rich's neck, while Rich is using the shoulder guards from his rebreather like police batons! It looks like Rich saw what Walter did, and he is trying to hit George in the head! George is still wrapping the long hose, watching Rich turn blue! <POP> Oh, how disgusting! George's head just blew up! Rich still can't breathe, and he can't get the hose from around his neck! Walter is looking on, waiting for Rich to surface so he can be declared winner! The water is getting very dark red now, and it's getting hard to see. Wait, I think Rich is surfacing! Uh-oh, he's surfacing face down. Walter is checking for a pulse. He's shaking his head!

Walter is stumped! Wait, he's doing something. He's pointing at the audience members! What is he doing? He's signaling for a microphone! Let's switch to his audio!

"I am declaring this match finished! Since everybody is dead, I am declaring the entire audience the winner! You are free to discuss what you will without fear anymore!"

This is amazing! You heard it here first! It looks like we are out of time, so until next time, Good diving from Rebreather Celebrity Deathmatch!

. . .

I swear, that's exactly how it happened. Then again, maybe I just had a CO2 hit.

later,

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Paul Elliott | paul@nwdesigns.com |Software Eng. Northwood Designs, Inc.
class Flames {public: Flames() {delete this ;} ; } ;