It's the Bill & George show!!!  Bill Elliott and George Irvine had been going back and forth, so I couldn't resist this one.

From: "Paul Elliott" <>
Subject: It's the Bill and George Show!!!
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 1997 23:34:56 -0400

[que music and lights and. . .]

Look, everyone, it's the Bill and George Show!!! I'm your host, Paul Elliott. We have our two regular gusts, er, guests with us today. Let's introduce them:
To my left, we have Bill Elliott, rebreather newbie, but learning fast. He likes to develop software, contribute to a rebreather list he is the owner of, and pound his head against brick walls.
To my right, we have George Irvine III, cave diver extraordinaire, Halcyon expert, and all around acidic dude.
For those of you not familiar with our show, here are the rules:
Bill will start the discussion with a few well meaning questions
George will ignore the questions, and tell Bill, the audience, and selected graven images, his records and accomplishments.
I don't want to spoil the rest, since nobody knows what will flow forth. Let's let the game begin!!!

PAUL: "Bill, can you give us some background on yourself?"

BILL: "Yes, Paul. I've been diving for a while now, and I've been through various dive courses up into some cave training. I started a rebreather list last December because I couldn't imagine trying to discuss rebreathers on the existing polluted forums."

PAUL: "Would the stage crew now remove George's muzzle? Thank you."

GEORGE: "Thank you, you peter puffing weenie."

PAUL: "You're welcome. Now George, please tell us about yourself."

GEORGE: "I don't have to. My reputation speaks for its self. When you've gotten the end of the line, you might have the right to ask me that. Until then, you can go spank monkies with the rest of your butt-humping crew."

PAUL: "Thank you George. Let's begin!"

(Applause)

PAUL: "For round one, we will start with Bill. Go ahead, Bill."

BILL: "George, what is your procedure for the last dive you did? It sounds pretty cool."

GEORGE: "What you are doing is criminal. I can't believe you let such posers on that list of yours. None of them even own a rebreather, let alone know how to fly one. This is stupid."

BILL: "Uh, that's not really what I was looking for, George. Could you tone it down and give me some information?"

GEORGE: "It doesn't matter how many times you ask, the answer will always boggle your infant mind. I DO IT RIGHT, and you are at the bottom of the curve, lucky to have survived the last 100 foot dive. I am at the edge of the curve, willing to die, rather than lose, that's how far I'll go."

PAUL: "Alright folks! We're cooking now!"

BILL: "Knock it off, George! C-C-C-Can't w-w-we all just g-g-get along?"

GEORGE: "This isn't up for discussion. Either do it my way, or your's. If you can survive, I'll SYD in macy's window. Step up and pet the pony!"

(Bill starts hitting his head on the desk, drool dripping down onto his collar.)

PAUL: "Would one of the stage crew kindly tie Mr. Elliott's head up on the supplied hook? Legal has been worried about the welts on his forehead. Thank you."

GEORGE: "WKPP has just set another record, and we continue to astound and amaze all those who see my dive reports, instead of running an automatic e-mail filter against my name."

BILL: "George, let's get back on track. What about the complexity of your breather? I appreciate relying on purely mechanical means, but would it really be extra task loading to have electronics that you refer to occasionally to double check things?"

GEORGE: "Once again, you miss the point. My diving is about reducing complexity. Complexity means more failure points. I'd do without air, but I don't want to show up everybody too much. Maybe if you break out the size large knee pads, I'll let you in on a little secret. YOU SUCK!!!"

PAUL: "OK, everyone! that's the end of this round. While Bill is being administered first aid for second degree flaming, our staff of bouncers will re-muzzle George, so we can go on to the next round!"

GEORGE: "Mbthlzpth!"

PAUL: "Now for this round, we will bring in our special mystery guest! His job is to try to carry on a discussion in between jabs from George and Bill! See if you can guess who it is!"

BILL: "Mystery Guest: I'd like to know who you are. What's your background? Answer this question. Do you own a rebreather, or do you just have a deposit on one?"

MYSTERY GUEST: "
> Mystery Guest: I'd like to
>know who you are. What's your
>background? Answer this question.
>Do you own a rebreather, or
>do you just have a deposit on one?
I do own a rebreather, and I woulnd consider putting a deposit on one."

BILL: "I've got it! With the full quote it can only be . . . Roderick Farb!!!"

PAUL: "Bill gets the bonus point!"

GEORGE: "Screw your bonus points. I get extremely pissed when you discuss anything without mentioning my name."

PAUL: "And George gets *two* bonus points to make him feel better."

GEORGE: "Paul, your humor is a waste of time, and I don't have to put up with this bull."

PAUL: "I'm sorry, but our time is up. Let's recap the score:
Bill: zero
George: zero
It looks like we have another tie! But don't worry, it always ends this way, with George stomping off into the sunset, and Bill wond'ring aloud, 'Will he ever treat us well. . ."
Here are the prizes for our contestants:
For our second runner up, George, we have a lovely Steam Machine T-Shirt! If you wait long enough, you can see an animation that is heat activated! George will love it.
And for our other second runner up, Bill, we have a copy of Monty Python's 'Do You Want To Buy An Argument?'"

(George and Bill look out at the crowd, sing, "We're 'breather divers, and we're okay!". George stomps off the stage, and Bill goes back to hitting his head against a dive physiology book.)

PAUL: "Special thanks to our sponsors, Kevorkian Dive Products, and Bio, er BMI, er, BMR, er, um, The Great Undelivered!
That's all folks, and until next time, this is Paul Elliott wishing you safe and happy diving!!!"

[Editor's note: Any resemblence to actual personalities was completely intentional. This is a frictional, I mean fictional account of events.]

Seeya.
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Paul Elliott | paul@nwdesigns.com |Software Eng. Northwood Designs, Inc.
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